Sweet Troubled Soul
by KF182
Summary: Sequel to Sirius Black's Journal, set during the second half of the Marauders' first year at Hogwarts. Sirius learns more about his new friends, but everything is overshadowed by his own past. Secrets will be exposed, and friendships will be tested...
1. After the Fact

Disc.: I own nothing. More specifically, I also do not own the title of this story. I took it from a song by the New York band, stellastarr. Kudos to them!

Author's Note: This is technically the sequel to "Sirius Black's Journal," a story that I just finished and am quite proud of. While it's not necessary for the total comprehension of this story to have read "Sirius Black's Journal," I (of course) encourage you to read and review SBJ.

Background Information: (skip this if you've read SBJ) Sirius Black arrives at Hogwarts and makes his fair share of enemies, namely James Potter. Sirius records in his journal, presented to him by McGonagall as an outlet for Sirius' frustration, the trials of living in Gryffindor. Sirius also discusses in his journal his slowly forming friendship with Remus, James, and Peter, and the aftermath of his sister's suicide.

----

_**Monday, January 1**_

_**(approximately 1 o'clock)**_

_I wasn't going to write in this again, not after James and I patched things up. I guess I thought that this journal was a substitute for friends, and now that I have friends, I wouldn't need it anymore. But then I realized that there's just some stuff that is hard to explain except to silent paper. Everything was fine for the last weeks of term, but things didn't stay fine for long._

_Going home over the holidays…I don't know. I still can't exactly figure out why I need to write this down. Being with the Black family was a joy, as always, and I think I'll need a few more years of therapy after dealing with them for the past couple of weeks. Not that there's anything new with that, but whatever. I did realize that as much as I trust my new friends, I can't tell them everything. Not yet, anyways, because nobody can really be expected to just deal with all my problems after only knowing me for a few months. That makes sense, right? I kind of have a lot of problems, and probably more than most people would like to cope with._

_So, I decided that I might as well keep up with this journal. I've got a while before I'm shipped back to Hogwarts, so I guess I'll record the details of my lovely, smashing holiday._

_I stepped off the train from school, expecting to be greeted by at least one stony-faced relative, right? I mean, even if I've shamed my family by being sorted into the wrong house…I'm still their son._

_But, no. I was escorted to the mansion by a slimy little house elf. Apparently, I'm not even worth the company of other humans, even those as corrupted as my family. And when I got home, there weren't any angry faces waiting for me. There was no yelling, berating, or beating._

_No one spoke to me the entire time I was there, until the day after Christmas Day. And even then, it wasn't my family that broke the silence. _He_ did. I still can't talk about that, even to a stupid book…He's not worth discussing, and the things he and I said are neither true nor important. I'll deal with it later._

_I knew that there was a reason I hate going home. Remus, James, and Peter spent the last days of school trying to convince me that it might be fun going home. Yes, they used the word "fun" to describe my family. They didn't (and still don't) understand what it's like there. There was just silence, for the whole time. It got so bad that I wanted to scream and shove my hand through a window.. They just pretended like I didn't exist._

----

When Sirius Black stepped into Platform 9 ¾, he was noticed by three people.

The first two were a pair of young boys, laughing and grinning at the sight of their (somewhat) new friend. Their names were James Potter and Remus Lupin. In a flurry of motion, they raced towards Sirius and dragged him away from the sullen and grizzled house elf, who disappeared with a sickening pop.

"Hey, guys," Sirius said tiredly, still managing to beam at his friends.

"Wow, Sirius, not exactly looking your best," James said, ignoring the sharp poke in the ribs that his comment had warranted from Remus.

"Thanks, sweetheart. I feel the same about you," Sirius replied sarcastically. "Where's Pettigrew?"

"He's saving us a compartment on the train; let's go," James said, quickening his step.

As Sirius was rushed onto the train, the third person who noticed his arrival wwas a tall, thin boy with pale skin drawn tightly over his sunken features. His only remarkable feature, disregarding his abnormally long black hair, was his beak of a nose. As he watched Sirius' progression towards the train, this boy's thin lips twisted into a small grin. His dark eyes met Sirius' blue eyes.

"Snape," Sirius breathed angrily as he boarded the trains.

Remus pulled Sirius onto the train, and peered quizzically at his friend. "What did you say?"

"Nothing," Sirius replied. He pulled a grin onto his face, and grasped at something to distract Remus. "Hey, look at that. James is mooning over that redhead."

James snorted and ripped his gaze away from the pretty girl. "Am not. Gods, Sirius, this is the thanks I get for forgiving the little incident at the beginning of the year?"

"It's good to see that you don't hold a grudge or anything, James," Sirius said.

"Oh, sod off, you big pansy."

Sirius' harsh laugh sent several small girls scurrying into their compartment. "You're just upset that I'm a finer specimen of manhood that you…"

The two boys bickered easily as they hunted for an empty compartment. Remus cast Sirius' odd whisper from his mind (although he would have sworn that it sounded as if Sirius had said the name of a certain slimy Slytherin) and followed his friends into the last room of the train.

Sirius pushed James out of the way and slid the door open. "Morning, Peter. Glad to see that you brought supplies," Sirius laughed, nodding his head towards the small pyramid of candies next to his friend, Peter Pettigrew.

The four boys talked aimlessly about many things- girls, mischief, the teachers of Hogwarts, Peter's insatiable appetite for licorice, and Remus' inhuman delight in learning. As the Hogwarts Express approached the magnificent castle, talk turned towards the boys' respective winter breaks.

"Alright, boys," James said loftily. "Tell me about your holidays. Peter, you first."

Sirius snorted at James' pompous tone. "Yes, Peter," he smirked. "Pray tell us all about your divine holiday!"

"Oh, it was fine," Peter laughed thinly. "Just hung about the house, went into the town a bit…"

"Positively scintillating. Remus?" James said, feigning a yawn at Peter's bland break.

"It was busy," Remus said simply. "I read a few books, did some homework…"

James let out a mocking cry. "Remus! Such profanity."

"Yes, my ears are far too divine to be sullied by such a distasteful word. _Homework_, he says…That's just sinful!" Sirius said with a grin. Remus rolled his eyes and chucked a pasty at Sirius' head.

"Here, I'll tell you lot about my holiday. I had an absolutely fantastic time- New Years was especially exciting…" James said dreamily.

"What, you got a sip of the parents' eggnog?" Sirius said dismissively, interrupting James' reverie.

"Actually, I went to a Muggle party," James said coolly. "How about you, Sirius? What did the majestic Black do for the holidays?"

Sirius looked startled. "Me?"

"Yes, you bugger. Who else would I ask?" James laughed.

"I didn't do much…It wasn't anything special."

"Come on, Sirius. You had to have done _something_!"

"Nope, boring as one of Remus' books."

"I take offense at that," Remus muttered.

"Yeah, right. I doubt that you'd spend your holidays sitting at home drinking hot chocolate with your parents. Like I said, you had to have done something."

Sirius looked out the window as the train came to a halt. "Well, I didn't! Damn it, James, just leave it alone!"

James looked mildly shocked, but he quickly busied himself with changing into his robes. Even though James had only truly known Sirius for a couple months, he had quickly learned that when Sirius was angered, the only way to calm him was to let him go. Peter and Remus quietly pulled their robes on, and Sirius followed suit, although he did manage to rip the sleeve in the process. He grabbed his trunk and walked up to the castle, a solitary figure pulling a heavy wooden trunk up the path.

Remus, James, and Peter watched as Sirius disappeared over the first hill in the path. "Why didn't he wait for us?" Peter asked.

"Because James was being a prat and set him off," Remus said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, come on! Remus, you can't pawn this whole thing off on me. He's always been edgy…"

"Yes, and that's exactly why we have to watch ourselves when we talk to him! He still isn't used to having friends, James. We've talked about this a thousand times- you'll anger him, and he won't come back."

"Whatever, Remus. I'm not going to tiptoe around Sirius- he's just the same as us," James said as he stomped off toward the castle.

Remus shook his head and bit his tongue, following James and Peter up the dusty path. He knew that Sirius was very different from his friends, and subsequently he had to be treated with care, at least until Sirius had integrated himself completely into his new life.

----

_**Tuesday, January 2**_

_Obviously I haven't gotten used to this whole 'friends' thing. Why did I snap at James? He was just asking after my holiday, and it's not like I've opened up about my family. I can't blame James for everything…_

_But, still. It wasn't his business to be so damned curious about things._

_I don't know what to say. I guess I should go and find James, but I'm not apologizing. I don't have any reason to._

_But, actually, James is the least of my problems. I've got to sort out the situation with Snape. He looked at me, when we were getting onto the train, and I know what he was thinking. He'll tell everyone about what happened, about what I had to say…I'll have to talk to him. But first I have to figure out what happened during the break, and I guess that means writing it all out._

_Okay. It was the day after Christmas, and my parents insisted on having a few family friends over to show off all their new gifts. So Regulus and I were ordered to make ourselves presentable (although this was after my dear parents debated for quite some time as to whether or not I should even be present), and then report for duty. The Dunns, the Cunninghams, the Malfoys- they were all there. And, of course, pureblood politics demanded that my parents invite the Snapes, even though my parents consider that family to be rather completely undignified. That's probably the only point on which we agree._

_I've never liked the Snapes, and I've been forced to "play" with their youngest, Severus Snape, for years. I hate him, because he has absolutely no personality- he just spouts out his parents' anti-Muggle blather- and he's just not the sort that you'd want to be friends with. Both my mum and father think the Snapes are selfish social climbers (remind you of anyone?), but it would be a "grave social error," to use my mother's words, if we ignored them._

_That's enough about the Snapes. Severus' parents aren't terribly important; they're actually very boring. But Severus is a completely different matter, because he…Well, he knows things. Stuff about my past, about my family situation. So when I cam to Hogwarts, and was sorted into Gryffindor, I tried to take things easily. At first my plan was to be as civil to the little rat as I could without looking like a lovestruck child, but I screwed up that pretty quickly. Took my anger out on him quite a few times, and he retaliated by threatening to proclaim my past to the world. Ended up in the hospital over him…_

_I didn't hear too much of Severus during the months before the holidays, and I assumed that he was just leaving well enough alone. That was stupid, and I guess I'm paying the price for my idiocy. _

_Oh- James & Remus here- Finish later._

----

"James," Sirius said clearly. He set down the black leather book, and looked up at his friend.

James stepped reluctantly into the dormitory. Remus looked at the two boys, who were apparently engaging in a fierce staring contest, and silently left the room. He shut the door and wandered into the common room to get a bit of homework finished.

As Remus stepped into the common room, James sat down on Sirius' bed. "You know," he began, "part of me says I should be right pissed with you. You can't just shut down like this whenever something doesn't go your way. I'd even rather you tried to hit me than being forced to wait you out. At least then we could thrash this out…"

"So you mean you'd rather get beaten up than have to wait for me to talk about my _feelings_?" Sirius said harshly. As much as he tried, he simply could not keep the defensive tone out of his voice.

"Yeah, I would! You know I'm not patient, and I'm not like Remus- I hate talking about stuff like this."

"I'm not asking to talk about it; you were asking me."

James sighed tiredly. "No, I was asking after your holiday. We're friends now, Sirius; we don't have to kill each other every day."

"Yeah, I know. Look, let's just forget it?"

"Fine," James agreed. "Want to head down for some dinner?"

Sirius cast a quick glance at the black book, and then at James. For a moment, it looked as if Sirius might refuse James' offer of supper, but that moment passed. "Sure," Sirius said. "I'm actually kind of hungry…"

James and Sirius stood up and left the dormitory, joking loudly about some Hufflepuff girl who had lit her hair on fire in Charms that day. As James leaned in to shut the door, his eye was caught by the sight of the plain black book on Sirius' red comforter. He frowned slightly, but held his tongue. The matter of Sirius' dependence on that journal was something he'd rather not discuss now, not after he had just managed to pacify Sirius' pride.

----

Author's Note: I know that it's a bit of a slow start, but I had to set up some key issues that, as you can tell, will come into play later on in the story. I'm sorry if it comes across as a filler chapter. The next chapter, which I'll get up ASAP, will probably me mostly (if not all) journal entry, as I've got to get out the rest of the details of Sirius' break. After all, you didn't expect that everything would be just peachy at Hogwarts, now that James and Sirius are friends, did you? ;-


	2. Regressing

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Author's Note: Sorry for the extended absence, see profile for profuse apologizing. Oh, and I guess I should go ahead and warn you. I'm not happy with this chapter, but then again it's been a long time since I last wrote anything for this. You be the judge, and let me know!

---

_**Friday, January 5**_

_Took me long enough to get a chance to finish Tuesday's writing. James is being particularly clingy, and I'm getting right sick of Remus' "haunting" stares during Transfiguration. I mean, how's a bloke supposed to focus on charming some Hufflepuff's pants off if Remus is constantly breathing down my neck? Even Peter is developing a disturbing ability to be by my side, day and night. Finally shook the whole lot off me this afternoon, thanks to my pre-"friends" nighttime wanderings. I'm starting to think being a loner had its advantages, even though I guess it's just their way of helping. Even though James and I fixed everything up, I know that things are still a little touchy between us._

_But back to Christmas holidays- I want to get this down before the memory starts to fade. I managed to avoid him, and (thankfully) Lucius for the first few hours of our pureblood bonanza. The adults were all completely smashed, and I was nursing a glass of firewhiskey myself (oh, what would little Remus say…) outside of the manor. Just walking around the grounds, trying to stay out of my father's way for a little while. I guess I was preoccupied, or a little unsteady, because next thing I knew Snape was gripping my arm. I turned around (and upset my glass, which still had a couple of sips left, sadly) and looked at good old Severus. He had his particularly stunning sneer across his snarky little face, and he said that we had to "talk." Here's the conversation, or something similar. I wasn't in the best condition to commit it to memory, obviously._

"_What do you want, Snape," I said._

_He just laughed. "You're getting just as bad as the Mudbloods, Sirius. Must be such a blow to your family- they're quite proud of their pureblood status, and rightfully so…And now, look at what they have for a son. Friend to the Mudbloods, the blood-traitors…Sirius Black, a Gryffindor!"_

"_Oh, shove it, Snape. I'm damned proud of my House. At least I'm not in Slytherin with the rest of the inbred bats."_

"_So you stand up for your House?"_

_The question seemed to stupid to me at the time, the exact sort of thing a Snape might say. I answered, "Of course." And then I pushed Snape away from me and went into the house. I sat down in a lone chair as far away from my parents as possible. It was getting late, and I figured that I would be able to slip away soon, hopefully before Lucius noticed me. He was completely out of his mind, as he'd started in on a drinking game with the Dunns' brats, and I knew that only trouble would come if he saw me sitting by myself, unprotected._

_Just as I was about to leave the room, Snape caught my eye. The corners of his mouth were curling, and I knew that I was about to get my payback for the hell I'd given him. After all, we were now in his element- pureblood mania, and the greasy Slytherin fit right in. He leaned in to Lucius, who was swaying a little- not exactly out of character for him, as his parents practically raised him on firewhiskey- and Snape whispered something quickly into the Malfoy's ear._

"_Oh, Sirius!" Lucius practically trilled. Every blasted idiot in the room focused on me, of course. The Cunninghams had already left, but the rest of the party was still roaring along._

_I glared at Lucius, but knew that I couldn't afford to ignore him. "Yeah?"_

"_You haven't exactly discussed your-" and Lucius broke off here to take a swig from the glass by his side. "-Housing situation, have you? Let's hear the whole story, Gryffindor."_

_Snape had a great little sneer on his face. I only had a few seconds to think of a response, and I knew that Snape had set the whole thing up. No one would have listened to Snape if he'd been the one interrogating me, but the oldest Malfoy boy might carry some weight, especially since our family's were about to be joined in damned matrimony. I was about to tell him to sod off- the most intelligent thing I could think of at the time- when my father got involved._

_He was sitting in a large leather chair by the fire, and he looked up from the conversation he'd been carrying on with Lucius' dad. "Sirius is very regretful regarding his placement, right, son?"_

_What was I supposed to do? I tried to get away with not saying anything, but my father wasn't having any of that. I had to denounce Gryffindor, and try to save some face with these people. My father looked straight at me as he said, "We know that the Sorting Hat must have made some grievous error when he placed Sirius in that House, but he's a true Slytherin. The first thing he said to me, after I displayed my unhappiness at his placement, was that he planned to turn Gryffindor down the right path. Right, Sirius?"_

_I'm not proud of what I said. It's hard for me to even write it._

"_Yes, I did," I said through gritted teeth. _

"_And you're going to weed out the undesirables, correct?"_

"_Of course, Father." And with that, everyone went back to their conversations. I'd done what Snape had expected- fallen in with my parents' expectations, avoided the beating I'd have taken if I had expressed my real beliefs. I hate myself for what I said._

_My father smiled thinly at me, and then I sprinted out of the room. Snape's black eyes were boring into my back as I left, and I know he was right pleased with himself. Now he had something over me, and plenty of witnesses (if they were sober enough to remember it), since the Dunn kids go to Hogwarts._

_I'm no better than any of them. And now Snape has this over me, and I'm right screwed. How can I look at James, or Peter now? Or Remus…Gods, Remus, the little guy who stood up for me, who said what my parents believed didn't affect me. I'm just like Snape, parroting their beliefs to avoid conflict. And there's nothing I can do to right this, as long as Snape lives…_

---

It was a quiet Sunday night in the Gryffindor common room. The only noise, the sound of scratching quills, was punctuated only by the occasional soft moan. Everyone was struggling to complete neglected weekend work for Monday's classes. In fact, Sirius was the only first-year not working furiously at a Transfiguration essay assigned by McGonagall. Peter and James were working clandestinely together on the assignment, which was to be a staggering twelve rolls. Remus, who had started the paper when it had been first assigned back in November, could afford a few worried glances at his still friend. Sirius had written a meager three rolls, and yet he showed no sign of halting his concentrated study of the thick red rug beneath his feet.

"Hey, Sirius?" Remus said softly, prodding the dazed boy with his quill.

"Mmm?" Sirius mumbled in response.

Remus almost inquired after his friend's blank parchment, but then thought better and held his tongue. "Fancy a quick walk, to walk ourselves up? I'm almost asleep, and I've got a bit more to go," Remus fibbed as he saw Sirius begin to shake his head. "Come on, Sirius, help a friend out."

Remus' words, meant as a teasing prod friend-to-friend caused Sirius to visibly flinch. "Yeah, sure," he said quickly.

Remus pretended that he hadn't seen how Sirius' hands had trembled as he opened the door into the yawning hall. The two boys ambled down the dark, empty corridor in silence for a few moments as their feet carried them in a circuitous walk about the castle. After a period of silence and careful study, Remus broached the subject that was on everyone's mind after Sirius' angry outburst on the Hogwarts Express.

"Sirius, what happened over your holiday?"

"Nothing," the boy replied brusquely.

"Oh, come off it," Remus said in an unconscious imitation of James. Sirius' mouth quivered with a smile, for he noticed the similarity. Both boys laughed for a moment, but Remus' expression became serious once more.

"You can tell me, Sirius. Whatever happened, we're friends."

Sirius laughed softly. He was tired of dancing around the subject. After all, this was not the first inquiry he'd had from the other three. So he finally gave in to their insatiable desire to understand, even though he knew it would be the end of everything. He spoke in the cold tone of a man walking towards death, the harsh, toneless voice of acceptance. "Oh, friends is it? Well, if we're friends, then I guess I can tell you how I betrayed every one in our House. And it wouldn't matter if I told you that I, in front of half of the purebloods in Slytherin, basically swore my allegiance to the cause of eradicating any half-blood or Muggleborn. Pretty great for a Christmas holiday, don't you think?" 

Remus' eyes remained on Sirius as the boy's face twisted into a sneer. Clearly, he was not finished. "Oh, yes, Remus. You were wrong about me! Finally made a mistake, misjudged someone. I'm a pureblood bastard through and through. Out to get anyone that's not just like me. Sorting Hat must have made a mistake, everyone's made a mistake. You all thought I was different, didn't you? But I'm just like them all, we're all the same…"

And with that, Sirius stopped. His eyes had glazed over; he was shaking with a roaring combination of fury and self-loathing. Remus was quiet for a few long moments, weighing his words. His amber eyes rested on the boy who stood before him, and it was as if he was weighing Sirius too.

Finally, Remus spoke, "No, Sirius. I don't think I was wrong." And then he fell silent once again.

"That's it, then? You're right, I'm wrong?"

"Well, yes. Come on, Sirius, I know you. I saw the way Severus Snape looked at you when we were getting on the train. And you've had plenty of opportunities to do away with us of bad blood, even though that's beside the point. I'm guessing that something happened over the holidays, and you had to appease your family with some pureblood talk."

Remus knew he was right by the way Sirius' sneer crumpled. Unlike Sirius, Remus was able to conceal his raging emotions behind a calm mask. He knew that if Sirius sensed the fear that was causing Remus' heart to beat so speedily Sirius would flee. And Remus also knew that years of friendship out to stretch before the four Gryffindors, and he would be damned if he let that slip away so easily.

Wise beyond his years, Remus continued, "Sirius, what you say to your parents, that doesn't matter to me. I know that things aren't exactly ideal in your home, although neither I, nor James, nor Peter know just how bad it is since you won't open up to us. And that's your choice, sure, but it would be so much easier if you just talked to us. If you'd told us about this on the train, James would have had a good laugh over the whole thing. I don't know exactly how to put this, Sirius, but what you say to your parents is a lie. It's your actions and your speech here at school that matters. You're never going to be able to say what you mean at home, and you know that."

"But that's not the way it should be," Sirius said quietly. He wanted to accept the pardon he was being offered by Remus, but he knew that he could not. "A true Gryffindor would have stood up to them. I shouldn't have agreed with what they said."

"Maybe not," Remus said fairly. "But you're young. You have plenty of time to prove them wrong. But right now what you've got to do is go find James and Peter, and we have to sit down and talk. You owe us an explanation, Sirius."

"Yeah," Sirius agreed. "But how about I finish that essay first, I've got nine rolls to go…"

Remus knew that Sirius was dodging the proposed conversation and that irritated the normally implacable boy just a little. It was tiresome, dealing with Sirius' mood swings and fits of rage, but Remus knew that Sirius was capable of so much. He just needed someone who believed in his good nature, and Remus supposed that it would be he that waited out the storm as Sirius sorted out his place in the world.

---

_**Tuesday, January 9**_

_Didn't get any sleep last night, finishing that blasted essay. Barely got it done, actually, and I only finished because Remus stayed up with me. I can't believe he did that, after I messed things up so expertly. I can still hear myself spitting out the warped story of my holiday. I did what he wanted and told Peter and James. Peter's so trusting, and I'm not sure if he really got the extremeness of what I was saying, of what I did. James was rightfully pissed, but I think it was more because I thought I had to keep it from him. He caught my arm as I was heading down to breakfast this morning, and held me up so that Peter and Remus got a little further ahead. He talked quickly, and what he said sounded rehearsed but still sincere._

"_Look, I know that we've had a hell of a year so far, but you understand that we're friends through it all, right? I mean I know that it's not going to be a picnic, what with your family, and mine I suppose, but that doesn't matter. You can't keep everything inside, Sirius, it's not healthy. You've got to talk to us sometimes, and not just write everything down."_

_We headed to breakfast in silence, and I thought over what he'd said. I mean, James still doesn't get what it's like, being from the Black family, and neither do Remus or Peter. But I can't blame them for not understanding, since I haven't exactly been a fount of information. So I'm going to try to forget it all, and pretend that everything's normal at home and such. The Black family does not exist inside this school, and I'm done complaining about how the guys don't get what it's like. Maybe that's not what James and Remus meant by "opening up" (in fact, I know it's not) but that's the way it's going to be, at least until I can get to know them a bit better. It feels like we've been friends forever, but something in me just keeps me from talking to them like they talk to me- I can't be "open."_

_And as for Snape…Well, I'll just have to count on him not having much influence outside of Slytherin, or in it for that matter. Maybe no one will pay attention to the little git. And I'll just have to figure out some way to shut him up…_

---


	3. Decision Time

Disc.: Own nothing.

Author's Note: Still a little rusty. The first draft of this chapter had too much information, so I had to cut it in half at the last minute. I apologize if the writing still isn't up to par, but on the bright side, this is a pretty quick update!

Oh, and thanks to my two reviewers. Very encouraging. And I apologize for my errors, and you should probably expect more of a similar nature. I've never pretended to be a perfectly canon writer in the technical sense, although I wish I was.

---

_**Saturday, January 13**_

_Hexed Snape in the hall today, right after lunch. Pretty therapeutic, actually, to watch Snivelly's expression as his hair grew at a rather speedy rate. James found it entertaining, especially when Peter tripped over Snape's hair and fell into it. He might've drowned in there, had Remus not stepped in. The little bugger even performed the counterspell and fixed Snape up, and for all his thanks he only got a whispered, "Half-breed." I was all for choking the greaseball, but Remus said that some people are too proud to show gratitude. James found that even funnier than Snape's extra-long locks, and said, "Wow, Black, he might've been talking about you!" But he was only joking; I could tell that combined with my little tell-all a couple days ago, this prank had won James back to my side._

_Probably won't last long, though. Especially considering the glares I'm getting from him right now. We're sitting by the fire in the common room, and James is playing Peter in chess. It's really just an exhibition of James' talent at the game, so he can afford frequent stares in my direction. The only one who can beat James at chess is Remus, and he wouldn't play tonight. Said he had some extra work to do, probably left over from his absence last Thursday._

_James doesn't like to see me writing in this. It's as plain as the beak on Snape's face that James hates that I still cart my emotional baggage around in this little book, but what the hell._

---

"GO, SMITH, GET THE QUAFFLE!" James shouted during the Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw on that Saturday.

There was a general roar of disapproval as Smith fumbled the Quaffle, and Ravenclaw put it away.

James muttered curses, both magical and non-magical, and gripped his wand. "If McGonagall wasn't here…"

Remus reached over and pulled James' wand away. "You would be sitting here, behaving nicely," he said firmly.

"I don't know, Remus," Peter said sadly. "I'm all for hexing the eyebrows off that Smith, it's the third drop he's had this game."

There was a groan from James.

"Don't remind him, Peter," said Sirius in a mockingly wise tone. "He might explode."

The four boys had arrived at the pitch just in time to snag a quartet of seats in the seventh row. The game had been widely discussed towards the end of the week, but now it was quite clear that it was going to be an easy win for Ravenclaw.

"When I get on the team, I swear, we will win at least one damn game!" James seethed.

"All right, all right," Remus said, still clutching James' wand. "Let's just get back to the common room. There's no point in watching this, and it's making even me a little angry."

Ravenclaw's side cheered at another successful score.

Sirius laughed at James' crestfallen expression, and lazily took in his surroundings. When a tall, black-haired figure in Slytherin robes began to leave the Quidditch pitch, Sirius took it as a sign.

"Come on, Potter, I know what'll cheer you up. Our favorite Slytherin is all by his lonesome, want to go give him a good time?" Sirius said. He was already rising, and James quickly followed suit.

"Coming, Remus? Peter?" James asked as the two boys moved towards the exit.

Remus sighed. "Yeah, let's go."

Sirius grinned doggishly, as yet another collective moan rose from the Gryffindor side. As the four boys darted away from the angry crowd of Hogwarts students shredding their red and gold pennants, Remus paused and sniffed the air. "Storm's coming," he said absently, earning a curious glance from Peter.

Snape paused at the entrance to the castle, and quickly whipped around. "Stay back," he warned, brandishing his wand, "and don't try anything!"

"Oh, but we would never hurt dear old Snape, would we?" James said with a laugh.

Sirius shook his head in mock sincerity. "Of course not, he's one of my close friends.

Snape sneered. "I thought you of all people would know to leave me alone, Black."

"Yes, well, you thought wrong."

"You might want to reconsider that, unless you want to explain something to your filthy little friends."

James glanced at Remus, and then said, "Come on, Sirius, let's just hex him and move on."

Sirius dropped his outstretched, wand-bearing arm. "Nah, forget it."

With a satisfied sneer, Severus Snape practically floated into the castle. James, Remus, and Peter all turned towards Sirius, but there was nothing to be learned from his blank expression. Even Remus, who normally encouraged Sirius and James to avoid confrontation, was completely confused by Sirius' sudden change.

The grin that had spread across James' face at the thought of a well-hexed Snape had disappeared completely, and as he turned towards Sirius. "Uh, Sirius, care to explain?"

"Not particularly."

And Sirius shut down totally as he made his way to Gryffindor Tower. No one could get a single word out of the tall, proud boy, even as the night bore on.

---

The Gryffindor common room appeared empty to a passerby, but that was not so. In a darkened corner, beneath a frayed banner depicted a roaring lion, two boys sat in close conversation. Neither seemed to be pleased with the other; in fact, the conversation was quite heated, albeit hushed. It was almost as if the two Gryffindors were hiding something…

"Well, James, what exactly did you expect?" said Remus.

"Oh, I don't know," James answered coldly. "Maybe a departure from His Royal Highness' usual superior attitude?"

Remus sighed. "We've been over this, all three of this. Even Peter agrees that we're not going to get Sirius to change overnight. And I know he's in an awful state today, but come on, James…That letter from his father probably wasn't inviting him home for tea."

"And I suppose you blame me for not being sensitive?"

"It wouldn't hurt to anticipate his moods a little bit, but once again, I've told you that!"

"Yeah, you have," James said as he rose. He paced around, pointedly avoiding Remus' gaze.

"Well, we made some headway. He did tell us about what happened over the holidays, and-"

As Remus spoke, James froze and abruptly aborted his rapid pacing. "Oh, yes, precious Sirius' holidays. Yeah, I wasn't exactly pleased with him spouting that crap in front of a bunch of Slytherins. And then waiting to tell us, well that was right brave. I guess he had to record it in his diary first."

"He didn't have a choice," Remus said, in a tone that suggested that this phrase was becoming a repeated refrain. "It's like I've said, just show a little concern…"

"I refuse to tiptoe around him. He's just like the rest of us, Remus, and that's something you've got to learn!"

With that, Remus stood. "All right, James. I give up. I'm going to bed, okay?"

"Fine," James muttered. "I'll be up in a bit."

Remus headed for the stairs, and as he mounted the carpeted steps, he tripped into the darkness. James turned around as a dull thud echoed about the room, and saw a sight that might have been amusing in another situation. Remus had ended up draped across Sirius Black's lap.

"Oh, Sirius…" Remus said quietly. "It's-"

Sirius laughed shortly. It was that manic laugh, and James and Remus alike noted it. "It's exactly what I thought it would be," Sirius said. "Look, let's just go to bed. I'm damned tired."

Exhaling, James relaxed a little. He had expected some scene, just like the many before. But Sirius seemed oddly in control, and that was something that James appreciated greatly. Remus tried to meet James' eyes in a questioning look, but James fixed his gaze determinedly on Sirius' bobbing back. As the three boys slid into their dormitory to join Peter in well-deserved sleep, James gripped Sirius' shoulder. With an encouraging nod from Remus, James spoke in a quick, rushed voice.

"Sirius, it's like I said last week, we're friends all the way through. I'm just not like Remus and Peter, I just can't sneak around you like I'm waiting for an explosion, you know?" James winced, for he knew that his impromptu speech sounded callous, but Sirius merely nodded and turned away.

---

_**Thursday, January 18**_

_I've gone and messed things up again. I'm getting tired of the constant battle. I don't want the burden of friendship. I'm so tired of hearing Remus say that I've just got to be more open. I'm so tired of watching James go from liking me to despising me, and taking Peter along with him. When is everything just going to be easy?  
_

_But that's the thing, isn't it? Nothing is easy, while you're living._

_So I've got to get things together. The Snape situation, well, that can wait. I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to shut him up, but he seems to have taken care of that himself. Plus, who is going to take slimy little Snivellus seriously? The real cure for keeping him quiet is to just keep making fun of him. Two birds with one stone. And if that's settled, then I can focus on being a semi-normal person._

_And I guess even semi-normal people don't scribble away in diaries. Maybe I should take a break from this._

---

Author's Note: Hope you liked it. Oh, and just to calm you down: SB's departure from his journal is not permanent, but it's something that I'm trying out. I'm planning to keep journal entries to a minimum, and only use them as a medium to get some of SB's more complex thoughts across. Let me know how it plays out, but please be patient.


End file.
